I've been listening to John Finnemore's Souvenir Program, and I really love the whole radio comedy thing, so I thought I'd try my hand at writing a sketch like one of those. This style is really fun to do, actually. I may even record an actual version of this sometime.
The Best:
Person 1: Hey, I’m home.
[sound of something being set down]
Person 2: Did you bring the groceries?
Person 1: Yep. Here you go.
Person 2: Thanks. You’re the best.
Person 1 groans
[short silence]
Person 2: What?
Person 1: Oh, nothing. I just hate it when people say that.
Person 2: What, “you’re the best?”
Person 1: Yeah. I mean, I never know how to respond. Like, if I say “thanks, I know,” I’m a jerk, if I say just “thanks,” there’s not enough there to keep a regular conversation flow. And if I say “thanks, you too,” then… well, we can’t both be the best. That contradicts the very meaning of the word “best.”
Person 2: Well, that seems logica--
Person 1: Wait, I’m not done yet. Anyway, all of this is working under the assumption that I really am the best, which, you know… I’m obviously not. Like, if all it took to be the best was bringing home groceries, then… well, you know? That’s impossible. There are lots of things better than that. Like if I did the dishes. What would I be then? If I’m the best simply for bringing in the groceries; if I’m only good because of that… then… then… th-then… then obviously I’m not good enough for you…
[short pause]
Person 2: No, that’s not what I’m saying at a--
Person 1: That’s exactly what you’re saying.
[longish pause]
Person 2: Look, this is ridiculous.
Person 1: Yes.
[silence]
Person 1: And yet you aren’t apologizing.
Person 2: Me?! Apologize?! What for?!
Person 1: Well, you’re the one who started this whole thing. You had to call me “the best.”
Person 2: You’re an idiot, you know that?
Person 1: Oh ho! I’m an idiot? I think you’re just a jerk.
Person 2: Fine. I’m leaving.
Person 1: Good.
[brief pause]
Persons 1 and 2 simultaneously and thoughtful: I’ll always wonder whether I made the right decision that day, despite the fact that I was obviously right.
