Topic:   Fragile bliss   (Read 6997 times)


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GMG Kurt


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Fragile bliss
« on: February 01, 2012, 10:48:52 PM »
Fragile bliss

You are to pity the devil not the fool
You must realize that mercy does not extend to making the fool think your friends
The bliss ignorance gives is fragile and temporal
It is easily broken by the truth
And a life lived in ignorance and then broken by the truth
Will be entirely shattered onto the floor. 
And utterly unfixable. 

-------------
Some more prose-poetry from me. It my opinion this one is much better, and has a rythm similar to the one Shakespear used. Kind of a pessimistic look on a facet of the human condition. But I though of it at school when I saw this kid who everyone was nice too and went out I their way to make him happy, but he had no friends. Only people who pitied him. It makes you wonder how many people are really your friends or if they only are friendly out of pity.

Should you befriend someone you don't like, out of pity. The answers no for me.
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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2012, 10:39:28 PM »
Losers victory

I know them so well that the screams sound like music
A constant game of cat and mouse of whom the winner should be decided. 
The winner is never chosen and no victor reigns forth.
Only the song of yelling forevermore. 

12 18 14 11
I need to get some sort of métre for this. It's pretty mediocre but has some nice bones. Any idea of how to make it better?
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My thoughts
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2012, 08:17:45 AM »
This does sound interesting, I could help a little better if I knew what it was going for... I get the sense there's sort of a contradiction? I guess the more academic word is "paradox". The song of yelling...
Line 3 - "and" could be just a comma
Line 2 - It's long.  ::)
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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2012, 10:37:14 PM »
Is sort if saying that you've heard something so many times it's a dance that is always repeated, and gets you nowhere. The screams were meant to symoblize the scream of opinion everyone wants to shout, but they all come down to a song, a rythm beat or pattern that's always repeating
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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2012, 11:33:18 PM »
That's... actually really cool.
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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2012, 12:30:35 PM »
I don't want to hate, but why is this in announcements?   :-\

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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2012, 01:07:22 PM »
I started the post at 2 at night. If it'd been earlier I would've had the brain power to post it in trash talk. go ahead and move it if you want, I would, but don't have admin power.
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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2012, 10:59:35 PM »
I wrote a short story this time  8)
I wrote it as a narrative and tried to capture a mood like HP Lovecraft.
Sorry for the horrible paragraphing I wrote this on my iPod two nights ago. And am posting it off my iPod as well.
Be honest of what you think I want to become a better writter.

Well of time

It's in my head
That rattling noise I heard deep in the bowls of the earth. The fateful day I put his research into motion
When consideration and action switched and I sealed my fate. 

He was a curious case indeed. He walked straight into the sanitarium and said he was to be commited at once. He was an authoritative man of sixty years. He wore a suit of all white and his beard was trimmed to three neat points.  I was the first person he talked to. I asked him questions, and by each answer I became even more perplexed with who this man was. When I asked his name he said it was traced in-between the sun and the moon. When I asked where he had come from he inquired as to which where I was questioning. He said he was born to a wealthy family but came from the trees. I asked him about the trees but he was much more cryptic about those secrets. He said I wouldn't be ready. 
I visited him everyday. Some nights I'm not sure if I went home, but still woke up next to my wife. That all ended the day he left. 
One day he walked into the lobby. Somehow bypassing the lock of his door and slipping by the security guards. He announced he'd be back in one years time. Sure enough he walked back in dressed in an all white with his beard trimmed like col Mustards. He summoned me and announced his intentions to take me. When they refused he simple walked out the door guiding me with him, and was shot three times in the back. The old man did not miss a step until we were in that forest and he told me the story I so longed to hear. The story of the trees. 

He said it started when he was very young. He had caught sight of a strange Darwinian creature with white hair saunter into the forest. He followed it thinking it only a monkey. Oh how he was wrong. He followed the creature until it stopped at a tree and passed through the bark into the tree. He never forgot that. He majored in botany and achieved a PhD. He slaved for years to find the answer to the trees. He soon realized the answer did not lie with science, but with the occult. He sacrificed so many years if his life in search of answers. One day chance was on his side. In the deep deserts if Arabia he resurrected a lost city from the dunes of sand. He dove down into it's forgotten recesses and delved into it's forgotten lore of the tree walkers that died out when the dirt turned to sand and the trees fell. They abandoned the city and sought a new home among the stars in the middle of time and space. 
He told me how he transported libraries of books to his home in rhode island. In his forties he discovered the secret on accident. When he had wholly given up on the incantations in the books he had found he walked out in the forest to clear his head. Muttering the words in perplexion. The trees seemed to lean in the wind stopped whispering. And then the words flowed from his mouth in the correct order, and as he rested his arm on a tree he passed through it like his Darwinian beast he so coveted. 

On the other side of the portal was a city of cyclopian proportions. Enormous monoliths who's tips disappeared with suns shaped into buildings and metals unbeknownst to our galaxy or time formed the massive moving pictorials on the monoliths. They all floated in space where physics no longer seemed to apply, or they applied differently maybe? The old man said that the city used to be ruled by the apes. Few pieces of the technology he could comprehend much less utilize. Yet in that zone he had an eternity. He only aged when he was in our world, deep in time. He called the city the well of time and said that in his travels one of the great machines had shown him his own death from three bullet wounds in a forest. He said he needed a successor. And that the successor was me. 

My mission was simple and ingrained in my memory as it was related to me by a dying man at the bottom of a forest in his sixties that had lives longer than anyone or anything should. The mission was to find one of the Darwinian beasts from back in the golden age and bring him to the current timeline of that city. To recreate the golden age when time was fluid and malleable, not brittle and easily broken. He said so many machines could only work with time in it's latter state.

I was twenty when I left and two hundred when I found the beasts. Finding them had been easy. First I solved the problem of death. I knew the risks of ageing outside the well of time so I remade the curing machine and simple cured myself of old age. I replaced my blood with the particles of space that my time though was nothing but void. All of this with the help of the dead professors books. I then worked on scrying machines, and dowsing rods. It would've been impossible without all the professors notes I had discovered along with his books when I raided his house.
I never got the time shifting to work correctly and was still bound to trees so had to use mundane forms of transportation. I found a year where it seemed just about every creature had left the well of time. So I sent myself back as close as I could to that year, but had to wait for almost two hundred. I dared not try and get closer risking going past the date, no it was better to wait. So the year came and I followed the dowsing rod ultimately to the deserts of Arabia. At this point I was a fool for not running back to my well of time. I traversed the boiling deserts untaxed as my new blood had all but killed my sense of pain. In this time the city that the professor had stole the books from still stood, alive and bustling. Buildings were made of floating glass tile, sand, and the obelisk in the middle must've been a small sun at one point. 
And the desert of Arabia was a plaint of bounty. 

I told the leader about the future where time is no longer malleable, but instead static, and running out. He puzzled for the answer but he nor anyone else could find the answer. Until of course it was thrown at us. 

We later decided to leave the entire civilization and take it to the stars where it was meant to be. They allowed me to access my time trough their tree, and they would fix the time stream, and continue to live in that new well I time. How foolish was I though. Two wells of tine cannot exist right next to each other, and taking the people out of their timeline would cause a paradox. And the gating between worlds seemed to be more than a step through time and space. It bent the timeline so that it would overlap during the period the jump was made. We found that having two wells of time joined together was a horrible idea. The cacophonous noise blared through the gate. Suns twice the earths size pushed threw burning dirt to sand and metal denser than the earth itself pulled the entire city down far bellow the mantle near the outer core. The leader was quick to thinking. Using methods I didn't know existed he used the power normally used to transport creature to a different time. He took that horrible minute in time when the earth ruptured in half and swallowed in flame and stuck it on the end of time since we both knew it was near the old man and my time period that time would unravel. We saw it in the instruments and in the charts. Spent our lives trying to stop it and became the cause of it. 
Now the city stands ruined by the cataclysm but not the earth. 

I have ingrained this story within the fabric of time so it may allow it's ink to flow through an avatar suitable to wield it's truths. 
Just your average Weekend Warrior.
Yes I know I have bad spelling, it's what makes me such a good programmer!

"Old art, weather magnificent or wretched, is always the raw material of new art. The artist's job, though, is to

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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2012, 02:22:10 AM »
Well done! I kind of like the idea that it's supposed to be a story someone left to be told by another, like a remnant of the lost city. (the last line)
The character introduced near the beginning is interesting and overall I like the first half or so a lot. It got increasingly confusing after he entered the city however. I think it's fixable but the plot could be made clearer. And the old man was shot just walking out of the sanitarium with the speaker, but there's a forest nearby?
Finally, it could use a more concrete and detailed setting for each part.

Or you can ignore me and let it be a bit more like a story left behind by someone who was there, but that is cryptic to us. On purpose, as a style choice by the writer. Let it remain more mysterious.


Oh and this bothered me a lot: "physics no longer seemed to apply, or they applied differently maybe?"
Warning: The above post may have been modified multiple times.

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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2012, 11:49:04 AM »
Well done! I kind of like the idea that it's supposed to be a story someone left to be told by another, like a remnant of the lost city. (the last line)
The character introduced near the beginning is interesting and overall I like the first half or so a lot. It got increasingly confusing after he entered the city however. I think it's fixable but the plot could be made clearer. And the old man was shot just walking out of the sanitarium with the speaker, but there's a forest nearby?
Finally, it could use a more concrete and detailed setting for each part.

Or you can ignore me and let it be a bit more like a story left behind by someone who was there, but that is cryptic to us. On purpose, as a style choice by the writer. Let it remain more mysterious.

Yeah I was a bit worried about that part, it seemed a bit detached from emotion the way I showed him dying, and it sort of was supposed to be like that since the old man was like a messenger, but I guess I should've made it seem more streamline.

Quote
Oh and this bothered me a lot: "physics no longer seemed to apply, or they applied differently maybe?"

I meant that the place had non-euclidean geometry. It's basically when what our understanding of geometry is broken. Like obtuse angles acting like acute angles, or pyramids with angles that add up to more than 180Âș
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Spatial sound
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2012, 12:32:29 PM »
What do you guys think of the end, should I have done something more understated, to add to the creepiness, in the way like this could've happened in reality? reality, as in the X-Files version of reality that could feasibly exist :p

ps it's an attachment, so that the whole screen isn't taken up with a wall of text. You can all read Word doc right?
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Re: Fragile bliss
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2012, 12:49:11 PM »
That's intense!

Sleepy medicine + Mysterious snake venom = Power to manipulate surroundings

Few typos and places where things got confusing but overall pretty good. Definitely sent me on an exiting adventure.

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